Rambling thoughts about turning 41 years old.

Upon much thought and reflection (at least 8 hours)…so far 41 feels…peaceful. Peaceful mind, peaceful heart, peaceful soul. This makes me incredibly thankful, on a daily basis, for my husband, my mother, and my girlfriends. I love my children more than words can say, but “peace” is NOT what they bring, LOL, but for real. These others, well, they work hard, on the regular, to help bring me peace, each in their own way.

Thinking back: Life as a 40 year old taught me a huge lesson: I still have a LOT to learn. When you’re clueless, you learn something new every day.

Although I did start off with an epic surprise party, when I turned 40 last January, life was very stressful. Phoenix had recently been diagnosed with A.L.L. again and had been hospitalized multiple times for complications and treatment. We knew she needed an experimental treatment that was available in Philadelphia, but there were hurdles and roadblocks.

We made our first journey to Children’s Hospital Of Philadelphia in February and then moved to Philadelphia in April for an 8-week stay. We made the Homewood Suites our home and the University City area our new stomping grounds. I made a beautiful new friend in a fellow cancer mom warrior named Jill. We were so lucky to be a part of the newest treatment in leukemia care, CAR T-cell therapy, which at that time was an experimental treatment only available at a few hospitals in the world. Since then, it has been FDA approved, and is now offered all over the U.S. That is truly amazing.

Also while 40, the struggle of being a parent to an adult child smacked me in the face, completely unexpectedly. The goal John and I had for this child, since birth, was always to get her to a good college away from home, and then she would fly into her new life.  Although dropping her off at her dorm was heartbreaking, I thought *goal achieved. But then a hard truth began revealing itself to me; my dreams were somehow not her dreams. My college freshman was on academic probation after 1 semester away. She didn’t love it.  She didn’t thrive on her own. She hated the major she had declared. I found myself staring at the sky wondering how I could have completely failed as a mother. Spoiler alert, life went on.

But of course there was so much to be thankful for during my 40^th year!

My husband/best friend and I celebrated 21 years of marriage. We were able to take a family vacation to Disney World and also visit our “family” in Wisconsin. John has continued to work very hard as our provider, as his own boss, with a mobile office, doing what he (most of the time) loves. My BFF’s and I toured Chicago on Segway’s and cheered on the Cubbies. Sarah, one of my lifetime soul mates, and I made time for a little getaway that was years overdue. Phoenix has remained in remission and is enjoying life with all the other 5^th graders. Diva changed her major, changed her college, and is starting over on her own terms, the way she wants it to go! Our family grew as we adopted a new family member, our Pepper, the mini doxie, who we love so much.

I will remember 40 as…challenging and productive.  My wish for 41 is that it is full of personal successes and carefree fun, and dare I say…more about ME! :D

This year I hope to be able to focus on myself and grow.  As a human. As a woman. As a spirit.

Happy Birthday to me.